English Disciple, Monday, Absolute Surrender report > 제자학교

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Over the last couple months, I experienced some of the most difficult conversations and decisions so far in my life. I thought I understood how weak and lacking in wisdom I was. So I prayed to God and studied the Word, and I asked for counsel from others. Yet, I still felt lost. Why wasn’t God’s will and guidance more clear to me?

At least in part, the answer was that I lacked love and humility. I realized this about myself recently, and reading Absolute Surrender revealed this to me again. In the beginning few chapters, Murray makes the point that “love conquers selfishness” (pg. 21). Why do I not do the things that I know that I should, especially actions involving other people? I often think it is busyness, fear, or laziness, but the deeper and honestly disappointing answer is that I lack love, that my selfishness still reigns. Murray says that “God’s love to me, and my love to God, and my love to my fellow-men” (pg. 21), these things must all be one and inseparable. Depending on my own strength, I was unable to overcome or even recognize my selfish will fighting against God’s love.

Regarding humility, Murray wrote “God can only reveal His will to a heart that is humble and tender and empty” (pg. 32). When I look back on these last couple months, I cannot confidently say that my heart was more often humble, tender, and empty than not. I wanted to seek God’s guidance, but my mind was full of so many of my own desires, fears, and even other people’s voices whom I wanted to please. I am thankful that “it is the work of our blessed Lord Jesus to reveal the power of self” (pg. 44) and that “none else but Christ Jesus can give deliverance from the power of self” (pg. 44).

Reading this book helped me to recognize the current state of my life and my faith. It pointed out clearly the false kind of mentality I had, resulting in a feeble life of faith without victory, without deep dependence on God. Although sometimes vague with terms, the book presents a clear vision of the surrendered life, and so I received a lot of encouragement to once again humble myself before God and ask Him for the power to place all my trust and life in Him.